Four steps to effectively track positive discipline
- Have one friendly discussion in which each one expresses their feelings and thoughts about a particular issue.
- Do the exercise of brainstorming to get possible solutions and choose one in which you and your child agree.
- Agree with the child by putting a specific time.
- Explain to the child what the specific time agreement entails, that that agreement or treatment requires doing something in a limited time. It is suggested to follow up before the day the agreement expires.
Four obstacles that challenge the effectiveness of following up
- Wanting children to have the same priorities as adults.
- Being prejudiced by criticism instead of establishing the matter.
- Do not set agreements in advance: do not set a deadline.
- Do not maintain dignity or respect for your child or for yourself.
Following up requires less energy, it is much more fun and productive than reprimand or punish. Following up is a respectful way to help children live properly according to the expectations of adults and their priorities. We have to recognize that children have their own priorities, but following or doing some of ours makes us happy.
Following up makes parents proactive and considerate rather than reactive and inconsiderate.
Following up enables children to collaborate and make contributions to the family through the respect they have learned. This is an excellent method to express authority or give permission.
Children who learn life's skills need to feel good about themselves and will become contributing members of society.
- 1 Maintain routines
- 2 Know who they are
- 3 Do you know how children can deal with peer pressure?
- 4 Have faith
- 5 Stop doing something in a limited time or isolate yourself
- 6 Frequent mistakes in positive discipline
- 7 Apply the "R" recovery
- 8 Act more and talk less
- 9 Decide what you can do
- 10 Put the children in the same boat
- 11 Let the children manage alone
- 12 Two languages
- 13 The promises
- 14 Make the message of love arrive
- 15 Special time to be together
- 16 Encouragement versus praise and reward
Children need the routine. Some parents think that ratin destroys spontaneity. In fact, when the family has a certain routine, the members usually have a lot of spontaneity and creativity. Without routine many families experience chaos instead of spontaneity.
Once a firm rat is established, the family will have the opportunity to plan other activities for their free time.
Children enjoy the routine and respond favorably, since they feel more comfortable with the rat. Once the routine takes its seat, it predominates and the parents do not have to continue giving orders.
Set the mouse and choose a time for the whole family to be relaxed. This can be discussed during the family reunion, but it is important that all family members get involved in the routine. You can use the clock to set the routine. Remember to focus one problem at a time and set a time limit to carry out the routine. Establishing the mouse prevents disagreements such as bedtime, time to get up, mealtime, time to do homework, time to do household chores, to brush your teeth and time to shopping.
Routine helps to decline the power struggle. The long-term benefits of making the mouse are safety, calm atmosphere, confidence and life skills for your children. Children learn to be responsible for their behavior, to be able, and to cooperate more with the family.
Know who they are
Do you know where your child is? How do you feel when you read this question: Do you think you are a bad father? Does this phrase make you think that you can do a better job in raising your child; Do you think you should join the parents who punish, who like to take away privileges to their children, who give them a chair or tell them how they should behave and are you ashamed to register your room? Do you think you should be in charge of your child's life such as: choosing friends, being aware of your school work and influencing the selection of a career? How can we teach our children to learn to take charge of their own lives with reliability and responsibility when you assume all the obligation, robbing them of the opportunity to believe in themselves and to develop life's skills?
Now, I'd better see a question that said: Do you know your child? Do you know how your son thinks? Do you know what your child wants from life? What are your values, hopes and dreams, not yours but those of your son? Have you ever gotten into your child's world and tried to respect and understand his point of view? Are you curious to know who your child is or are you too busy to try to mold it and fit your values, hopes and dreams?
Another question that needs to be answered is: Do you have faith in your child? Do you think your child is a magnificent human being who has the potential to learn and grow in this life of challenges? When you have faith in your child, it is easier stop controlling and punishing him. Then start using support methods, give a respectful treatment that teach the life skills they need when adults are not accompanying them.
Do you know how children can deal with peer pressure?
Adults have invented many educational programs to deal with peer pressure. These programs teach children how to say no when their friends try to convince them to try, for example, drugs and alcohol. We are surprised if adults never talk to teenagers. You may have noticed that talking to ... is not the same as talking to ... When we talk to children, we listen to them and take what they tell us seriously because we really want to know what they think and how they feel. An example of this is the dialogue between Maria and her mother that follows:
Maria's mother asks her 16-year-old daughter what she thinks about the program "Say no to drugs".
Mary: I think it's stupid.
Mother: What do you mean by that?
Mary: We mock this a lot. My friends never try to talk to me about using drugs and alcohol. They feel happy that I say that I don't want them to be overpaid for them.
Mother: So you don't think peer pressure exists?
Mary: In a way it exists, but they don't try to tell me what to do. What can make me interested in using drugs is when they say how good they feel using it. They say, "crack makes me feel good and you can stay up all night, talk and enjoy a party without feeling tired." They also say about making alcoholic drinks that it's really fun to be drunk. I've thought about using them to see if they really are as good as they say.
Mother: So why didn't you stink?
Mary: I would not like to think what other people can say about me. I don't want to be a drug addict. Besides that, I've seen how people who use drugs get on. They are totally lost. I do not want to take the risk of this happening to me.
Mother: Then you have thought of yourself.
Mary: Yes ...
Mother: I'm glad you know what you want and that you have enough courage to maintain your position when some of your friends think the opposite of you.
Maria is learning how to think, not what to think. Her mother stimulates her in the process by asking her questions and listening to her. Sometimes her mother gives her some information which Mary is eager to take into consideration because she doesn't give it to her in the form of a chair. Her mother has a lot of faith in her. Maria feels that her mother's trust and unconditional love give her confidence and confidence in herself to keep learning and to think about herself.
Having faith in children does not mean they can do everything right. It means accept the child as is. that most of the time they can act according to their years, which means that they will not always wash the dishes or mow the lawn. With faith in our children and in ourselves we can learn from mistakes.
Having faith in our children does not mean that they are ready to do all things for themselves. They still need love, support and help to learn life's skills. When you have faith you don't need to control and punish. This gives us patience to teach them using training methods, such as: solve problems, follow up, family reunions, ask questions About what? How? Why? Help the child learn from his own mistakes. Having faith includes keeping your eyes on the long-term perspective and learning to know who your child is now.
Stop doing something in a limited time or isolate yourself
The most common way to discipline children today is to deprive them of doing something or isolating them.. This helps to stimulate the child and have training experiences instead of punishing or humiliating him. The "time out" It is stimulating when the purpose is to give the child an opportunity to take a short time of reflection and then start again as soon as he is ready to change his behavior. Time out provides a period of cooling. Some parents say to their children: "Go to your room and think about what you have done." Parents who do this feel guilty, ashamed and suffer. These parents must be told that isolating or allowing the child to stop doing something is not enough, we must explain that we all need time to be out because we can all have inappropriate behavior and make mistakes. You can tell the child: "your behavior is inappropriate"and ask him"Can you go to your room?"And tell him that when he feels better and can be ready to change his behavior he can come.
Frequent mistakes in positive discipline
What did you learn as a child about mistakes?
- The mistakes are bad.
- You must not make mistakes.
- You are stupid, bad, inadequate and failed if you make mistakes.
- If you make mistakes, don't let people realize
Mistakes should be seen as opportunities to learn instead of something inappropriate. Teach children that making mistakes is an opportunity to value the help of others. This encourages them to take responsibility for what they do.
Apply the "R" recovery
Anyone admits an error, but this is not demonstrated until the person apologizes. If the child wants to reconcile for what he has done, the three "Rs" of recovery can help. These are:
- Acknowledge the error with a sense of responsibility instead of guilt
- Reconcile - Apologize to the person who hurt or offended.
- Solve the problem when possible working together to solve it.
Act more and talk less
Try to act instead of talking. Instead of telling your child to be quiet and quiet, try to keep quiet to see if the child pays attention. If you are fighting with a toy, take it off and put it in a place where you cannot reach it. We don't need to say a word, he will understand that when he finishes fighting he will have the toy again.
Decide what you can do
You must learn that the only behavior you can control is yours. Decide what you can do instead of trying to control others. Perhaps you can make your children act respectfully with you, but you cannot make them feel respected. Many parents are very busy trying to control their children instead of being busy learning to control themselves.
Try to establish an agreement with your child based on what you are willing to do. You can tell him that he is willing to help you with your assignments every night, from 7:00 pm to 9:00 pm. If he wants your help, tell him that he is available at the indicated time, if he tries at another time that is not established, tell him that he will not be available until 7:00 pm next day. Another example. "Refusing to guide when children are making a lot of noise in the car instead of stopping and waiting for them to calm down. You can also deny them a preview of next month's allowance. You can also ignore them when they are entering and leaving your car. quarter to nap time and they interrupt his work.
Put the children in the same boat
Often adults have a habit of calling attention to a child instead of calling attention to everyone in the family. This is not very convenient to do, since it promotes the one that puts a seal on one in a specific way and promotes rivalries between brothers. If the children fight for the front seat of the car, tell them: "No one is going to sit in the front unless we find an alternative so that everyone has the right to sit down." If you put the children in the same boat, it helps deal with the gossip between them. Your children can answer that this is not fair, they can say: "I didn't do anything wrong, Mom, the one who did it was Carlos, I don't." Then, answer: "I am not interested in who did it or who was to blame, just to find the solution to the problem. We will talk about this at the family reunion."
Let the children manage alone
If adults get into solving a conflict between children, it can be taken in an unpleasant situation. Children have a way of working things and can be efficient and effective.. Think at a time that parents are arguing about a situation and that children are ready to play happily. Give the child a chance. Example: By sharing the Nintendo game, the father can say, "I take the game away until you find a way to share it without having to fight." The children agree and decide to work on it. One will use it Monday and Wednesday and the other will use it Tuesday and Thursday, and on Friday, both can use it. In this way they make arrangements between them.
If you want to understand people, pay attention to what they do and not what they say. Watch your language. Maybe they say a single word with their mouths and with their feet they say another. People convey good intentions with their words, but their actions tell us the truth about what they want. This works in two ways. It is important for parents to be consistent with their children, make their words go hand in hand with their actions. This helps children to believe more in parents because they are paying more attention to what they do than to what they say. Many parents cannot believe in children. Alfred Adler He says: "Watch the movements, not the words". You are moving towards healthier communication when your words and actions are congruent.
Don't make promises you won't keep. Instead of telling him "tomorrow I can take you shopping", better wait to be ready to go, then tell the child. It's time to go shopping, do you want to go with me? Promising something to a child and then forgetting is a way to discourage him. Instead of making the promise, tell the child that he is not ready to make a commitment yet. He can tell the child not to make many promises, that he does not accept them "Show me that you are ready to fulfill the promise and then I will be ready for us to do it together."
Beliefs that support behavior
Behind every behavior there is a belief, but only the behavior is dealt with. It is more effective for you to know belief and behavior. An example of this situation is as follows:
A mother is pregnant. He goes to the hospital to give birth and bring the baby home with him. She has a four year old boy. Let's analyze what this child thinks exists between the mother and the baby. How do you interpret this relationship?
He can think - "Mom loves the baby more than me"What does the child try to do to get his mother's attention or love? The child changes his behavior and acts like a baby. He screams, asks for a bottle or dirties his pants to get his mother's attention. Our behavior is based on our beliefs Behavior and beliefs are directly related to people's main goals and feeling that we belong is very important. We all want to feel that we belong and that we are important. We are active participants in the process of deciding things about ourselves, others and life; and our behavior is based on our decisions. Understanding the decision-making process and how your children create their beliefs is the first step in understanding their behavior. With this knowledge and understanding you can stimulate your children by providing opportunities for them to change their unhealthy beliefs and behavior. We try to find and feel important by executing negative behaviors. There is four wrong goals that lead to negative behaviors:
- Draw attention
- Give up or assume disability behavior
We call these hidden reasons to do what we do because we are not aware of it. It is important that you understand the beliefs hidden behind the behavior of your children. Then you will be ready to think how to stimulate them when they execute negative behavior and feel discouraged.
Make the message of love arrive
Making the message of love reach your child is a great gift you are offering. They form the opinion about themselves through the perceptions that show them what they feel for them. When they feel loved, they belong, they are important, they have a solid foundation on which to build for their potential development.. Your positive influence comes when the message of love arrives.
Emotional honesty - It means that it demonstrates what it is, the way it thinks, what it feels and what is communicated to others. Once accepted, this can help your children achieve the same emotional security you have.
Feelings give us valuable information, it's like when the car's warning lights come on, we pay attention and know that something is happening to the car. We must try to solve the problem. If we feel lonely and depressed and listen to the inner voice, we can better channel our feelings. Some people do not like to think about their feelings because they do not believe in the way they are feeling and also believe that they cannot do anything for it. As soon as we accept the feeling without judging it, something can be done for it. When your child feels courage or resentment, he expresses it. When listening to it, try to explain that there is nothing wrong with experiencing these feelings. Feelings are different from thoughts. Feelings describe that something is happening within one. When you learn to get these feelings out, you gain valuable information about yourself. Feelings are not good or bad, proper or inappropriate, logical or illogical. They are just feelings. They are usually described with a single word happy, hurt, comfortable, hungry, sleepy, sad, irritated, joyful, unhappy and incapable. The most important thing is that you have to pay attention to the feelings, give them a name and tell others how you feel.
Special time to be together
Children need time to be alone with their parents. When they are little they need it more. Already when they get great this special time becomes a rat. Plan activities to be with your child and enjoy a special time.
Play with your child spontaneously: on the floor, in the park, cook together or do other tasks. The important thing is to take time to share and have fun. Build pleasant memories by having fun times with your child instead of encouraging serious situations. Family fun doesn't have to take a lot of time or cost a lot of money. When having fun together many problems disappear, children experience the pleasure of fullness by sharing with their parents.
Stimulus versus praise and reward
Rudolph Dreikurs, an Adlerian psychologist, author of the book "Chitaren: The Challenge", says: "Children need encouragement as plants need water"The stimulus demonstrates the kind of love that is transmitted to children that makes them good enough in the way they are. The stimulus teaches them that what they do is separate from who they are. The stimulus lets children know that they are valued for being them out of prejudice.. Through stimulation we teach children that mistakes are simply opportunities to learn and grow instead of something that embarrasses them.
There is a difference between praise and encouragement. It is easy to praise or reward the child who behaves well, but; What do we say to the child who does not act correctly, who has a negative behavior and who does not feel good about himself? These children need more encouragement than others.
Praise and awards teach children to depend on being judged for others instead of trusting their own wisdom and evaluation. "I'll be fine only if someone tells me." This prevents them from making mistakes instead of learning from their mistakes. Examples of how to stimulate are the following:
"How do you feel about _____?"
"What happened? Do you have any idea why it happened?"
"Would you like some help with what you are doing?"
"Hey, everyone has their bad day. The same thing happened to us as many times."
Family members can write stimulus notes to each other. In the long run the stimulus will create a positive climate in the family.
Teach your children to give compliments. Ask them what they think about the compliments received.
Children think that not feeling comfortable or having to give a compliment is silly. Make compliment a family habit.
Good feelings grow in your family with the practice of encouragement and compliments between them and between the people with whom they interact.
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