Mutual trust and self-confidence are the essential ingredients for a happy and lasting married life.
We all believe we know what the word trust means and yet we have only to ask around us to realize that not for everyone it has the same meaning.
"Trust is knowing that the other does not lie to us."
"It's not being afraid of being cheated."
"It is to be sure that the other will be there when we need it."
"It is to believe that the other gives as much importance, as oneself, to the relationship and, consequently, will not do anything that puts it in danger."
"It's feeling good with someone."
Trust is all this and much more. Trust is an essential characteristic of a successful relationship, it is the cornerstone on which any common life attempt rests. Without it there is no possibility that the couple will survive. Now, we could not reduce it to a simple definition, because trust can encompass different concepts.
- 1 Lies and deceptions
- 2 The openness
- 3 The sincerity
- 4 The understanding
- 5 fear
- 6 Self-confidence
Lies and deceptions
Federico's story can perfectly illustrate this aspect of lies and deceptions in married life. Federico is a loving husband, faithful and attentive to the wishes of his wife, but hides an important aspect of his life.
Federico likes to bet, he is a player. The subterfuges he has to find in order not to reveal this inclination of his force him to be constantly lying. It hides the real state of your income, your expenses and sometimes the way you spend your time. He knows that Elvira, his wife, does not approve that activity, she let him see clearly when they were dating: “The game or me.” To avoid discussions, Federico prefers to keep the secret. In addition, he tells himself trying to convince himself: "What she does not know cannot harm her."
Federico believes that quietly protects his wife. And, without a doubt, Elvira is happy, because she thinks she has finished once and for all with Federico's gambling habit. In reality, both are sabotaging the possibility of living in mutual trust.
Elvira has unilaterally marked limits within which Federico has to stay, thus denying an aspect of his spouse's personality. As for Federico, he simply limits himself to cheating on his wife.
Lying and deception prevent the practitioner from knowing himself and being understood by others. They are the opposite of an act of trust. Many husbands and wives believe that lying, they avoid annoyance to their spouses. Some wives lie about the price of a dress or any other whim bought with the house money. Some husbands lie about a badly seen friendship or an objectionable inclination (game, alcohol, friends). But these deceptions, even if they seem to solve the problem in the short term, only create a new, more serious one in the long term: they stifle the marital relationship, prevent it from growing and the husbands end up gradually distancing themselves.
Some people think they are very frank because they don't have the slightest qualms about saying what they think most sharply: "Your blouse is horrible" or "every day you are fatter."
Other people, on the other hand, are always afraid to dislike and give so many detours to the truth, that one of their answers can never be trusted.
True candor is not, however, synonymous with censorship, mockery or criticism. Being cruel, under the pretext that you have to be frank, nobody has managed to improve your love relationship. On the other hand, carefully avoiding saying what we think is not the most appropriate way to show sincerity in our love.
Let's look at a typical marriage scene. A woman asks her husband: “Do you like my dress? The husband, who said that dress does not like anything, can lie and answer: “Yes. I find it very beautiful ”or it can be clear and sharp:“ I don't like anything, I think it's horrible. ”I would show signs of hypocrisy in the first case or of brutal candor in the second. But he does answer: "You already know that I prefer the most classic clothes, but it is you who are going to wear it." With this answer he will have frankly expressed his opinion without taking away his wife's right to have his.
Each time the spouses risk telling the truth, they learn to reinforce their identity and allow the other to know them better. How is it possible that a person can live year after year in a room painted green, and repainted again in green, when in fact it is a color that he detests? This example may seem far-fetched. Nevertheless, the amount of coercion that some individuals can accept throughout their marital life is amazing. The number of times they are trapped for being silent, instead of talking when they should. For not having expressed their thoughts, when it was time to do so, many spouses find themselves suffocated after a few years by a type of life they detest. When they finally empty everything inside, quite frankly, the event sometimes takes on a dramatic or even destructive tint. The consultations of psychologists and therapists are often scenarios of an aggressiveness that seen by a third party, seems to have its origin in simple banalities.
Marital happiness depends on the happiness of the individuals that make up the marriage and they must have with their partner at least the same respect they have for themselves.
When trust increases, the husband and wife have been sharing their experiences day by day and feel reciprocal trust. Now, as we know, trust is complex, as there are different levels.
Just as in everyday life it can be relatively easy to express your tastes or preferences sincerely, on the contrary, when it comes to feelings, deep tastes or fundamental values, it can be totally different. For some, the difficult topics to address are those related to the type of life of each one, the activities to which one is engaged. For others, on the contrary, the most difficult thing is to talk about sexuality.
Sexuality is a territory where it is essential to be honest. And yet, as most therapists can confirm, it is a territory where deception abounds.
So, when a woman simulates pleasure to protect her husband's pride, to protect the image of a woman full of desire, or to avoid a complicated conversation, what she is doing is jeopardizing their relationship. It is creating a base, rather fragile, made of deception, on which the emotional and sexual future of the couple will rest.
Communicating openly our desires or our real needs, living sexuality frankly, couples work in the elaboration of a life project, in the creation of a true love relationship.
In a marital relationship, trust must be more than just a set of guarantees. It is possible that knowing that the other is going to pay the electricity bill, as promised, is something that gives a lot of security, but, for a relationship to allow personal development it is, above all, necessary to know that the other is not going To reproach being who we are.
To live in confidence with the loved one is to have no secrets for him, to freely express our ideas, impressions, fears and weaknesses. knowing that the other will not use them when it suits him.
When this kind of openness occurs, the two members of the couple know what their situation is in relation to each other. Spouses who open their hearts to each other can only discover the interdependence of openness, love and trust. In fact, these three elements reinforce each other.
On another level of things, giving confidence is also forgiving. Indeed, to accept the other is to admit that he is human, that he has weaknesses, limits and imperfections. Accepting the other is also giving him the chance to evolve, to change. It is sometimes believed that couples who argue a lot are made up of unhappy people and that they get along badly. However, quite the contrary, it has been found that people who argue little with their partners slowly drown their personality. For their part, husbands and women who live in confidence can afford to assert themselves, to express their anger or frustration because they know that this favors the overall harmony of their union.
Finally, if trust resides partly in the fact of not fearing the other, of knowing that he loves and accepts us, it is also true that there is a necessary condition for it. Indeed, in order to deserve the trust of the other, one must be worthy of it.
The reverse of trust is fear. An omnipresent fear brings isolation, and communication becomes increasingly complicated as trust between the two people decreases.
When a person lives fear more than confidence, he tries to control the situation. Instead of using his energy to discover and create, he uses it to build barriers and to verify if he is in danger.
In a climate of fear, it is no longer about desires but about obligations. A person who controls cannot hear the expressions of desire of their partner.
In order to live relationships with the other with happiness and serenity, the individual must be well with himself. Now, reaching this state is only possible if you have confidence in yourself.
Self-confidence has nothing to do, absolutely nothing, with intelligence, beauty or talent. A person who trusts herself loves herself, accepts herself and allows herself to be herself. He assumes his identity and shows himself as he is.
Each person is a unique being. The strength of a person who trusts himself resides precisely in the knowledge of his own characteristics. People who fully realize their being, who give themselves confidence, feel no concern in letting others develop their personality.
At first, each person is entirely responsible for their feelings, opinions and perceptions. He is also responsible for his personal development, quality of life and happiness. Everyone has their own resources to develop their lives in a satisfactory way. No one has the right to tell an adult: "You should think this" or "you should choose that." The duties, the demands imposed from outside depersonalize the individual. Likewise, accepting a certain role, just because that is what is expected of us, when the most intimate part of our being is rejecting it, is tantamount to deceiving ourselves.
A person who trusts himself assumes his own life and does not feel at all inclined to direct that of others.. In short, a person who accepts, accepts the other and invites him to engage in a true relationship.
Throughout marital life, mutual trust is subject to various tests. Every time we pass one of those tests, trust grows and the relationship improves.
In an authentic relationship the spouses are in constant communication. Not only do they not do anything to hide aspects of their respective lives, but they try, by all means, to make them known to their partner. Knowing, progressing and developing are legitimate aspirations for everyone. When a relationship favors this process it is a healthy relationship. A relationship that relies on mutual trust offers the favorable framework for the spouses' personal development and they will try to preserve it and make it grow.Related tests
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