Being happy necessarily happens by stopping blaming others for our unhappiness and looking for the cause in our own mind. Matthieu Ricard, monk buddhist, considered the happiest man in the world
When the past becomes toxic, it annihilates our present and creates uncertainty towards the future.. Psic. Juan Antonio Barrera
When you find yourself riding a dead horse, it's time for you to get off it. Dakota Indians
Lupita! She still does not recover from the unexpected death of her sister and every time something reminds her, it is impossible that she does not suffer from a great sadness.
Alejandro! He is very angry every time someone talks about the issue of parents, because he feels that his own father abandoned him and hates him to death.
Ana! She can't see a woman in the street carrying a child, because she and her partner's enormous efforts to become parents come to mind and between abortions and artificial inseminations she has spent too much; Time, money and effort, without any results.
Eloisa! She thought that she was living the fullest moment of life as a couple, when due to a minor event, her husband left the house, apparently because of the presence of another person, which makes him live thinking that he was betrayed and left unjustly.
Gabriela! After making a strenuous effort and reaching the company's goals, they have fired her without any justification, which makes her feel devastated.
Daniel !, has a relationship where he fights physically and emotionally, almost every day of the week, despite having a toxic relationship, neither knows how to solve his situation ?, and it seems that they will be together until the Death separate them.
And, all these people have in common an emotional life cycle that they have not been able to close. The damage that others cause us comes from the outside in, but the repair is done from the inside out.
- 1. Background
- 2 We do not learn to live the present
- 3 Childhood learnings
- 4 What are our reactions?
- 5 What to do?
It is impossible to go through this life without the occurrence of events that will alter our peace and our calm.
- End a relationship or work
- Losing health or a loved one
- Change of residence, for better or worse
- To experience economic losses
- Not being able to resolve a conflict situation that has become chronic
- Return after a pleasant trip
The idea that certain events can produce in an individual a Mental illness It had its first scientific explanations last century and they were recorded on the scale proposed by Holmes and Rahe (1967) which included a series of life events among which they indicated: “the death of the wife, a divorce, the marital separation, being jailed, the death of a close relative and the serious personal injury or illness ”among others. They aptly described that significant events for one individual would not be for another with different qualities or magnitudes of support; and, even within a person, the event that was significant at one time may not be at another.
And, within all these positive or negative life events, most of the time we refuse to review our inner state and it is easier to blame a person or a circumstance or an event that hurt us. "Quantum law says that all possibilities exist simultaneously. Our thoughts and feelings affect all aspects of our life, beyond space and time”(Dispenza, 2016).
We do not learn to live the present
The present is a brief moment and we have more connections with the events of the past: fleeing or focused on it. However, if these have not been resolved, because we are angry or we are fleeing from the ghosts of the past, we will come carrying or dragging them as a drag on our life.
According to scientific studies, It is estimated that we have about 60,000 daily thoughts and most are negative, repetitive and past (Koening, 2012). If they correspond to the past and the past is not resolved we live a very bad present and a completely uncertain future. It is hard for us to learn from him.
To some extent this is dysfunctionally "normal," because if an emotion catches us, Daniel Goleman (2012) calls him emotional kidnapping, we cannot think to solve the situation that afflicts us. “The kidnapping grabs our attention and directs it towards the danger in question. If we are at work, when we suffer it, we cannot concentrate on our task, just thinking about what overwhelms us. The memory also stops working normally and we remember more easily what has to do with the threat and we are not so clear about the rest. During a tonsil abduction We are unable to learn and rely on archisabidated habits, behaviors that we have applied over and over again. We cannot innovate or be flexible. ”
Solving the cycles of the past implies becoming aware of the pending events to be resolved, understood, reinterpreted and learned from them, no matter how painful they may be..
From childhood, in an act of love and kindness, our parents move us away from the "normal" cycles of life and teach us consciously or unconsciously to face them in an insane way. Day and night, birth and death, health and disease, union and separation, spring and winter, the end and the beginning of a year, are events interpreted as contrary, bipolar and with a connotation of kindness or of evil.
However, it is the perception and interpretation of events that helps or harms us the most when judging them without really understanding them.. We are little observers of events and all of them are part of a process, of a cycle, of a series of steps marked by a sequence: a start (genesis, initial knowledge of the couple or company), a time of development (stability or is reflected in the us in the couple) and an end (end of the cycle or decline, or separation, or death or expiration of a date or contract). “Everything has a maximum point of development and then decay. This is the point at which it is urgent to prepare for a cycle closure. However, we are not always ready for the end there the discomfort begins (Stecca, 2004).
In biological and social life everything changes and sometimes it is something that is not understandable for our brain or for our expectations. And, just the pressing point to understand. "Everything that begins ends ”.
We make superhuman efforts to deny this inevitable reality and we are unable to understand these events by reacting with pain, with suffering, with longing, with hope, without understanding that things no longer work as before. It is not just a matter of will, because at the neuronal level although a life event ends for the brain all neuronal connections are still present, an example of this is the lover who separates, but remains intrusive in the life of the ex-partner at the level brain is because the wiring has not been disconnected love and even hate and does not distinguish between past and present. The same happens in duels, especially in pathological ones, even though years of events have passed, the routes or neural wiring that connects us with them are still on. I could consciously understand it, but the brain takes longer to process this reality. I have imagined that one day we will wake up and again the person who has died will be with us or we will even see him walking down the street. Or simply settle for reviewing your social networks or see the photographs that remind us of the moments before.
What are our reactions?
The students of the last grade, come with anxiety finish a cycle, but at the same time with fear finish it. In the separations of couple we assume that time will fix everything, although it never happens, and thoughts of love, hate and indifference invade us.
In order not to face a separation and farewell: we fled the party, we did not go to the funerals to avoid encountering the mirror of death, we postponed an argument or we still thought of ourselves as active workers of an extinct company.
Too there are those who stay in the middle of the processes, so as not to suffer them: I better not have a pet because I am going to die, I better not fall in love because I do not want to suffer again, I better change my career and start another one to be an eternal student, I better have another partner before ending the previous relationship, So I have several candles lit.
There are others who remain in a situation even though the cost is higher than the benefits, as is the case of those who live eternally in conflict. We refuse to leave empty-handed, we refuse to accept the new reality and we feel stunned by the uncertainty of moving forward. How am I going to leave my children a father? Who will accompany me to ...? What will I do about my life? How will I leave her if I love her, even if she doesn't love me in the same way? I don't know what to do if I'm not with ... or in this company? It is expected that the crop returns again after the fire or tornado. This is not going to happen.
What to do?
Therefore, to close an emotional cycle of life is to observe, be aware of the change, assimilate the good and the bad of the situation, realize the past and learn from the situation. It's about growing despite adversity and rewriting the next chapter of our life book. It is important to get our strengths even without believing them. And, close and repair the wounds of this life. When people cannot solve this on their own, psychotherapeutic help is very important.
Just as there is a process of which we are not aware where we do not know the beginning of life cycles, a process called grieving work is done to overcome and understand, longing, anger, denial, frustration, suffering and pain that leaves the closing life cycles. To be able to readjust and continue our own life, being able to relive the present by learning from the past.
Resisting loss is feeding the pain circuit
Most people try to create a new personal reality with the same personality as always and this does not work. To change your life, you must literally become another person (Dispenza, 2016).
Cervera S. & Zapata R. (1982) Psychiatry today (Life events and psychic disorders), Salvat Collection, Key Topics, Editorial Open Classroom Salvat, Spain.
Dispenza J. (2016) The placebo is you, Editorial Urano, Mexico.
Dispenza J. (2016) Stop being you, Editorial Urano, Mexico.
Goleman D. (2012) The brain and emotional intelligence: new discoveries, Editorial B Grupo Z, Spain.
Koening (2012) The vanguard, interview with Sharon M. Koenig, consulted on December 27, 2016, online: //www.lavanguardia.com/vida/20120321/54271769272/sharon-koenig-ciclos-del-alma-entrevista .html
Stecca C. (2004) How to learn from experiences. Closing life cycles. A systemic and gestáltica perspective of the past, Editorial Pax, Mexico.
The recipe for stress (2009) Networks for science, interview by Eduardo Punset to Sonia Lupien, accessed October 24, 2013, online: //www.redesparalaciencia.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/entrev042. pdf