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What is being assertive?

What is being assertive?

Assertiveness it's a style of communication that allows expressing thoughts, feelings and opinions in a timely manner, in a developed way, without experiencing nervousness, considering the rights of one and the others.

It is about expressing desires and feelings, both pleasurable, in a direct way, without denying or belittling the rights of others and without creating or feeling inhibition or maladaptive anxiety (which prevents relationships with others).

Differentiate between assertion, aggression and submission, three different ways of reacting that we will analyze later.

Defend yourself, without attacking or being passive, compared to the behavior of others that we consider uncooperative, inappropriate or unreasonable.

Be aware that we have rights and must respect them, so as not to be overwhelmed as people.

Submission and aggressiveness

A submissive person, without realizing it, keeps feeling frustrated at not being able to express what he wanted. This is how it is filled with discomfort and discomfort with itself, until the internal pressure can reach such a level, that a stimulus, which on other occasions would not have affected him in the least, such as a simple bad face or a momentary lack of attention, can lead to a violent impulse reaction, and the one who receives it can feel deeply hurt in his self esteem.

When we affirm that assertiveness implies saying what one feels or thinks at the moment and in the proper way, it precisely argues that this behavior tries to avoid outcomes like the one described above.

The importance of our thoughts

Thoughts or cognitions and the importance they have in our behaviors or moods affect the people around us. It is as if the cognitions were stored in a kind of black box, which exists in our mind. They are the internal processing of the information that we all have and that can adopt at least one of these modalities: selfverbalizations, images and smells.

These cognitions or types of thoughts are conjugated and finally, by mental economy, they are formed in mental schemes, firmly established and most of the time without being questioned by who owns them. They can help us to see and act in life in an assertive way or otherwise harm us and weaken our self-esteem, causing us to behave in a submissive and insecure way.

This is how we run into the self-fulfilling prophecies, those that are given by irrational thoughts or ideas that accompany all people and can be easily identified by their large number of semantic absolutives (phrases that sound like absolute truths). For example, I can never do anything right, or people always get bored with me. In general they are tremendously punishing and harmful ideas for oneself, since they filter silently into thought and we don't question them; This leads to an expected outcome, in the negative or inhibitory sense of behavior.

If every time we make a mistake or we make a mistake, we tell ourselves internally, I am a fool, little by little we are becoming less fit people in relation to others and above all, we generate an inner experience of impairment or personal devaluation.

Such ideas can be fought successfully. For this it is necessary to restructure cognitively or in other words, change the psychological chips.

Bibliographic reference

Assertive intelligence Javiera de la Plaza